I have been back from Goa now for what? maybe a little over a month and a half. And boy did I hit the ground running! Literally straight back to work the next day. But I was going back into work wanting to leave, WITH MY NOTICE ALREADY PRE WRITTEN and sat in my email drafts ready to hit the big fat send button. Why? Well, its because when I was away, I started to shed the layers of anxiety, stress, rumination, excess weight, foggy brain, and started to think straight, walk tall, and talk straight too. Then 25 hours travelling home, airport stress and confusion led to me eating 3 bounty bars!!!! feeling shit and then my self confidence and strength to stick to my conviction of leaving work and following my dreams all just got washed away in lifes laundry, along with the smell of the beach, spices and oils.
No 50-ish days later, I am feeling this niggle inside of me, which is getting louder and louder, which says ‘this isn’t what your meant to be doing’ ‘you arn’t being the best version of you’ arrhhhhhhhhh!!! I try to shut this niggle voice up, by looking to at how nicely my pension is building, looking at what my property is worth, plunging myself into building my career in the charity sector, decorating my flat, and by watching endless hours of TV on catch up! WTF!
This endless cycle of tune into dreams, build confidence up, loose confidence, feel shit, get low, it absolutely exhausting! And I have been stuck in this shitty cycle ever since my PhD funding got pulled and i have to very quickly rethink my direction (my dream was to be a uni lecturer). And before you say, ‘well why don’t you try and do this again?’ well i have, three times to be exact. I have tried to self fund while working full time, and I found it hard to juggle both and life and made myself poorly. I burnt out, big time! winded myself a trip in a nee-noor (ambulance) to hospital which led to an operation 6 months later. Not so great. So what have I learnt from all this. Jack shit by the sounds of things! All I know is, that sat here on my pink gorgeous sofa in my pretty little apartment, surrounded by all my favourite things, is that I don’t feel fulfilled. I don’t feel like I am living enough, loving enough, laughing enough, contributing to the world enough, and the only way I know how to express this, is to write. Writing is my therapy.
EDIT: Do you know what. I have just been having a little think and what excites me (and I mean gives me that feeling in my tummy, that I used to get on Christmas Eve) is, writing this blog, building the website, finding out about Endo, talking to other Endo Soul Sisters, and being a part of this community.