So, I dont know if I am actually going to publicly post this but I just need to write it and get it out of my system as I feel like I am not being honest and the last thing I want Endo Self Love Club to be is to look all shinny, smily, pretty and have surface level content only. Hell no. That is not what life with Endometriosis or Adenomyosis is like. It’s gritty, shitty, hard bloody work, tiring, lonely and painful. So in light of leading by example and all that, here goes…. this is my lowest moment with Endometriosis and Adenomyosis and I hope to never go there again as it was fuckin scary beyond belief. But I feel that Endometriosis and Adenomyosis are not talked about enough but equally nor is mental health and its something I am equally as passionate about and effects me just as much, and if sharing my story helps one other Endo Warrior to not feel alone and reach out for help, then sharing this story was worth it. So here goes……
*****Trigger warning-this post talks about suicide********
My Dark Night Of The Soul A.K.A A Really Shitty Time!
New years eve just gone, was horrendous, a hell whole, the lowest of low and a really scary time…because I was suicidal. Im talking I didn’t sleep for days, I was wired with plans of how to end my life, I had to stop myself from driving as I didn’t trust myself not to drive into a tree, I couldn’t work out which way was up, weather it was night or day and fuck it was horrible and really really fuckin scary.
So this is what happened. I was off work sick due to my Endometriosis and Fibromyalgia flare ups getting the better of me, which then triggered thoughts of:
- ‘Im broken’
- ‘Im not a full human being’
- ‘ow god I am going to have to have that hysterectomy they keep telling me to have and then I am not a complete women’
- ‘I am week’
- ‘I wont be able to have children’
- ‘no one if going to want to be with me’
- ‘I must be a really horrible person to deserve all this’
- ‘I cant cope’ ‘I am too worm out to keep living’
- ‘I dont deserve to live’
Geeze it was horrible to write those past thoughts back out.
I was at my nans for New Years, she was in a care home having some trial rest bite, my flat had Air BnB guests in so I decided to stay at my nans empty house, which in hindsight wasn’t the best idea, as I already had these thoughts bubbling away and then I plonked myself in my nans old house without her in it and it just added to the feeling of emptiness and lonely ness and no way out ness.
So Im in bed before midnight as there was no TV at my nans and no internet and I was really tired and thought ‘ow fuck it go to sleep its just another night of the year like any other’. Then I start thinking back to all the other New Years I have spent on my own which then triggered me even further.
Then before I knew it, I was spinning out of control, with convincing thoughts of well that is it then, I am just simply done it, no more fighting or trying to play the game called life which I seem to be so clearly loosing. I was dizzy and tossing and turning in my nans spare room and my thoughts has all these horrible pictures to accompany them (I am very mush the type of person that when someone says something I see it). It was like a horror film playing out in my head and the film was me.
To set the scene a bit more, I had had big worries leading up to this point about my health, the choices I had left with my Endometriosis, how I could continue to manage my endo and Fibromyalgia and hold down work (I had already gone down to three days a week and just been refused to go down to 2, or make the three days permanent and advised by work that maybe I should look for a different career-so I handed in my notice). So I was feeling really pushed out of a job I had given my all too and been at the company for 6 years and worked my way up and was so proud to work for them and for the work I was doing for them, but this feeling that I was really no longer wanted due to my endo and fibro was such a kick in the teeth and was a hard reality pill to swallow. Which left me with thoughts of:
- ‘how am I going to pay my mortgage’
- ‘how am I going to pay for my car and all my bills’
- ‘am I going to be bed bound in pain for the majority of my life’
- ‘what was the point of all my studying and networking and building my career if I am just going to be sat in bed watching Netflix for the rest of my life’
You see I am the sort of person who loves to work, and I mean work hard, long hours, and develop and build really cool projects with social worth. My career was very much a big part of how I identified myself, I was most defiantly ‘A Career Girl’ and proud.
I was also feeling really lonely which is a horrendous feeling, I think its worse than money worries as it gets you right in your core and hits you hard. I was single, no farther in my life (thats a whole other story/book!), my relationship with my mother was distant due to her series of mental health brake downs which had taken its toll on us both and our relationship, no siblings to lean on or share the parent issues with, my besties are all settled with their families or hosting cool parties I am feeling to fragile to go too. I was alone with just me, myself and I and I didn’t like the body I was in, the mind I had, the past I had, I was or the life I had.
So there I was on New Years eve at some point before midnight, in my nans empty house, alone, my career crumbling around me, my health in tatters, with no TV or internet to numb my feelings and BAM I am left with all my feelings, thoughts and worries exposed and no way to run away from them, and it left me wanting to end my life. I was simply done in. And I am talking not just thinking about it, I had 100% convinced myself this was the only solution I had left. So in true Bridie fashion I made a plan, then a plan B, I ran thought different scenarios of how to do it so that no one would know what really had gone on, they would just think I had an accident, as the last thing I wanted to do was hurt the people I left behind. I also didnt want people to think that I had been that week to end my life. People always say to me ‘your amazing at all you do’ ‘your such an inspiration’ ‘your so strong’ but these things were always the furtherest away from how I felt but I did’nt want to burst the bubble of what people thought of me, that actually I was crumbling inside at a very quick rate and no one knew and I would just smile though it, tell people:
- ‘Im fine’
- ‘Im all good’
- ‘Im OK’
- ‘Yes I will do that extra project’
- ‘Yes I will travel to see you’
- ‘yes, yes, yes I can do it all’
Then the next thing I know its morning, I have not slept, I have so much anger and fear in me that its making me dizzy. I pack up my things from my nans, I ignore the beautiful day, drive past the beautiful beach, hate on everyone out walking with their loved ones on new years day and feeling like I cant be seen to be out on this special day on my own. I drive back to my flat and I call my mum. Now for all my mums mental health issues and brake downs, there is no other women or person in the world whom I could call and they could tell from my voice that something was seriously wrong, and within a few words guessed it and put a plan of action in place for my safety and wellbeing. I love you mum, you are my guardian angel.
So it took a few months of some serious hard graft to come out the other side of it, for the dark viel to lift. But it did. This is what I did:
- Told someone (the hardest but most important part and first step)
- Went to the Doctors told them (well I didn’t put it in words as I couldn’t say them as I felt so ashamed, so my mum called them and wrote them a letter and then I went in and spoke to them)
- Started taking 50mg of Sertraline (I no anti depressants/anxieties are not for everyone-but the stigma really does need to be removed as I think these have plaid a huge part in my recovery, actually a massive part)
- I went to CAT Therapy once a week (I will write a separate blog post on this, but its changed me and educated me about me and liberated me from old thought patterns which no longer serve me).
- Went to Bali (haha I know not everyone can do this-but the change of place, people, walls, climate and getting a sense of being alive in this big beautiful amazing world did me the world of good and rebooted my brain and body into feeling alive and wanting to be alive).
- Continuing with it all. I realise that once I started to feel better that this was a sign that I was doing the right things, and on the right path, and that I needed to keep doing what I was doing. So I mean not stopping the yoga, the therapy, the Sertaline, the self love but to keep doing it all as its working and I want it to continue like this.
So…whats the situation now?
- Well, I am squatting in my mums box room for the summer to dose up on some nature (I go to sleep listening to the owls and wake up to the sound of the sea, its bliss)
- I have left my job
- I am about to sell my car, and actually really cool about it as it will give me more financial freedom
- I back from spending 2 months in Bali healing the hell out of myself (I must go back as its my happy place)
- I am off the contraceptive pill (I found it royally contributed to the fucking up of my mental health and body)
- I am off all opioid pain killers (also hugely contributed to the unbalancing of my mind and body-no body should be given oromorf so willy nilly for pain without looking at other options first which don’t have such huge side effects)
- My firbo pain has taken over my endo pain (typing today is really hurting my wrists)
- I have a new daily and weekly self love routine (I will write up a blog post on it)
- I am down to 25mg of Sertraline
- I am setting up my own business (Endo Self Love Club) and sooooo happy I have taken the leap of faith to do so
Boy this was bloody scary to write out, but equally liberating, too many people are lost to mental health and suicide every year and every day and it brakes my heart. If you are feeling this way please reach out to a professional, or a loved one so that you can get the correct support and love you so very much deserve. You are never alone and you can most certainly do this, I completely believe in you.